I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Randomize
