i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
