I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
