Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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