$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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