Swine flu. Run for my life!
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
