Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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