Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
