I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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