I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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