So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Randomize
