it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
