So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
