The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
