I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
