This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
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