I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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