she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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