just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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