Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
