why didn't you poke me back
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
