Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
