I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
