i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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