i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
third nipple confirmed
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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