I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
