I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
New. Vanessa hudgens nude pics
That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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