Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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