No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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