Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
