she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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