My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
