I wish I could teleport
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
