too bad you live with your parents still
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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