Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
