i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
you have to choose: penises or morals?
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
