Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Randomize
