I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
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