why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
