are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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