I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Are we still banned from the library?
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
