I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
This toilet bowl is my home.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
