Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
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