I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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