New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
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