I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
My underwear smells like fireworks.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
