i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Couch. On fire.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
