I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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