Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
