did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
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