I want you more than these girls want KFC
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
